Today

Damn.

So I haven't talked to you guys in ages.  I've been busy.  So, if you don't like it, you can kiss it.  I haven't been too militant lately with my Atheism.  I kind of miss it.  I've let a lot of stupid crap slip by and I've become more tolerant.  Not out of the sake of being tolerant, but out of lack of time to be more militant.  It's okay.  I'll get back to my offensive ways soon.

This is by no means an offensive blog to those of you who "believe".  As I have said in the past, my objective is not to offend, but rather educate.  With that being said, that's not what this blog is about.

So what is this blog post about? Who the hell knows.  I'm just typing and whatever comes out comes out.
So recently I have decided to try to look better for myself and for my wife.  My wife is putting me to shame.  Marathon runner, mother of two, full time student, and everything else you can think of.  She still finds time to work out and look hot as hell while my round ass continues to get rounder and rounder.

I kind of have been watching what I eat.  Except for tonight.  I had a damn bbq sandwich with sliced brisket, sliced sausage, and about 12 beers.  I'm going to pay dearly for that.  Oh well.  Fuck it.

So I still have no idea what this damn post is about, but I have an idea of where I want to go with who I am.  Stay tuned.  Yes, I will write for a few days and most likely abandon you again.  You will forget me and then hear from me again and think... Oh yeah, it's the fat ass who writes stupid shit.

So what is this blog post about? Who the hell knows, and who gives a damn because it's about over right now.  Listen to some Mr. Bungle and come tell me about it in the comments below.

Smoking & Quitting - What it's Like Part 1 and 2

Part 1 of Smoking and Quitting - What it's like
http://truewickless.hubpages.com/hub/Tobacco-Withdrawals-What-Its-Like

Part 1 of Smoking and Quitting - What it's like
http://truewickless.hubpages.com/hub/Smoking-Quitting-What-Its-Like-Part-II

Day 3 - I'm a Quitter

So, it's day 3 of my attempt to quit smoking cigarettes.  Have you touched one since Sunday? No.  Ah, come on, man, don't lie!!! You've taken at least a puff, right?!
No.
The answer is no.  I'm still a bit fuzzy headed.  Can't think clearly at 100% as of yet.
I have eaten some things that I should not have eaten though.  I have eaten too much, and I'll be paying for this dearly.  I was doing so well with my weight, but now I am hungry at every turn, and this company keeps food stocked for us to eat at any given time.  It's as if we were going into a Nuclear winter, and they want to make sure we survive so we can continue working through it.

It's 2:35 PM CDT.  This is about the time I go outside and take a smoke break.  I miss it.  I'm not going outside though.  I have not been able to concentrate in three days now, and I am behind on my work.

According to my nifty little app, I have been smoke free for 3.08 days.  I have saved $21.60 so far, and I am now 44.09% free of addiction.   There's other achievements as well, such as I have saved an hour of my life.

Whatever.  I just want this shitty feeling to go away.  I want the hunger to go away, and I want to stop giving my money away to the damn tobacco companies.  It's amazing to me, how every EIGHT SECONDS someone dies from tobacco related illnesses.   In the time it takes you to read this post, several people would have died from smoking, yet, people don't want to do anything about it because it's our right to smoke if we want to.

What is the difference between smoking a pack of cigs a day and ingesting the same chemicals in pill form every day?  Either way, we're killing ourselves.

Well, that's enough of that.  I said I wasn't going to preach.  I'm not going to start now.  If you want to quit, it's still your choice.  Not mine.

I wish I could just go to bed right now.  Screw all of this....

2 Days Continued - Longest Day EVER!!!

So this is the longest damn day ever.  I don't feel like talking to anyone. I don't want anyone talking to me.  There's someone in the break room rearranging spoons or forks at this moment, and I can hear the clanking loudly as if it was right in my ear.  I wish whoever it was, would just effin' stop already before I get up and rearrange their face.

Wow, I'm usually not this violent.  Verbally or physically.  Who am I kidding, I'm not going to get up and do anything to that person.  I just want some natural thing like a bolt of lightning to do the job for me.  I could not deal with cops right now anyway.  I always wondered why some people resist arrest, and I bet for many of them it is because they haven't had a cigarette all damn day.  THAT, yes, that right there would be a legitimate excuse for resisting arrest.  So you can take one last drag from your cig, your square, your fag, your smoke.

I'm craving it right now.  Seriously craving a cigarette at the moment.  I could, I don't know what I could do.  I could do something for one though.  I know it's going to taste like shit if I do.  I know I will feel guilty if I do. I also know that the cycle will be harder to break if I do.  AHHHH!!!! Why do I have to make so much effin' sense?!  Comment below.  Tell me to stop being a puss and get over it.

2 Days - My Attempt At Quitting Continues

So, I've made it to almost 48 hours.  4 more hours and it will be two complete days.
Yesterday is a bit of a blur, although I do know that I did not touch a single cigarette.  I did pig out though, and that is not the way to quit.  I cannot replace one addiction with another.  It's okay though, I did it on purpose.  I've been down this road before and I know what happens to most people when they quit smoking.  They blow up like balloons.  The waist size increases and they get huge faces.  They get FAT.

I've been there before.  Right now I am going through a life changing crisis/experience/experiment if you will.  I'm a diabetic, but not bad enough to be on meds.  I have high blood pressure, but it's being controlled by meds.  I also take meds for my high cholesterol.

Smoking is not doing me any favors at all.  I am personally tired of being a slave to Philip Morris, maker of Marlboro cigarettes.  I am sick, yes, literally sick of giving my hard earned money to them.  They have lied to us for years, and through the lies, they know that once the hook is in our mouth, that breaking loose is almost impossible.

I understand that I will always have a craving for cigs.  I know this.  I've been through it.  I know because I have quit for a year, and just as quick, I was hooked again.

I will tell you this though, it is the most potent drug, as far as addictive properties, that I have ever taken.  I have never had an issue quitting anything else, and staying off it.  Nicotine, however, is my ultimate weakness.

Well, it's day two.  Like I said before, I'm not going to try and preach to you that you should quit along with me.  You will do so if you ever please.  Chances are that you are too weak to quit.  No, it's not an insult.  I am and have been a weakling as well.  I am just trying to muster up enough strength to do this for a few days at a time, so that I can muster up more strength.

It's a process that has to be taken one step at a time.  I decided on going cold turkey, and it is extremely difficult.

So what do I feel like today? I feel a bit empty.  Sad.  I feel as if I am missing something.  It's okay though, this will come and go.  As far as the food goes, today, I will control what I eat.  Yesterday, being my first day, I allowed myself to pig out.  Today, is different though.  I have a little more control today.  I am a little less weaker, and a little bit stronger.

If you are trying to quit as well, I wish you all the luck in the world.  Take it one step at a time.

An Open Apology To My Parents For Being A Teen

Dear Mom & Dad,

It is me, your son.  Yes, your older son.  The one who is now 37 years old and knows a lot less about life than he did when he was 13,14,15,16,17,18, and 19 years of age.  Yes, those years are the years when I was omniscient.  I knew it all back then, and I am not sure what happened since.  The older I get, the more I realize how little I know about life and the world around me.

Those were the times when if anyone presented me with a problem, I had a straight answer for them.  There was no having to think about any process.  The answers just came to me, and they were golden.  Those were the years when I was able to drive my car at 130 MPH without consequence.  Those were the years when I got into heavy drinking and light drug use.  Somehow, I avoided encounters with the law every time.  I was after all, a know it all teen.

Well, I now have a teen of my own.  She has just turned 15 years old, and wouldn't you know it, by golly gee.  She knows it all!!!!  I feel so stupid around her.  I mean, with my measly 37 years that I have spent on this planet, I should know more than she does right?  Wrong.  She's a teen, and she knows it all.  She is defiant, careless, selfish, self absorbed and she is OMNISCIENT, just as I was at her age.

She could care less about her family at this moment, but it's okay, she knows exactly what she's doing.

Or does she?  Or did I? Or does anyone at that tender age?

For a period of time in our lives, we become (excuse the term, please) retarded.  Yes, we become mentally incapable of understanding logic or reason in its many forms.  We become unable to fully analyze a situation and realize that it is extremely idiotic, dangerous or both.  We have a sense of empowerment that overwhelms our thoughts and our parents, well, they're shit.  They are nothing.  They do not understand.  How could they? They're old and their "time has passed".  They were in their prime once and now they are like an expired carton of milk, just sitting there, rotting and spoiling away.

Teens, with all due respect, are a bunch of idiots.  If you are a teen and you think you're not an idiot, then just go ahead and punch your monitor, spit at my blog, or go cry yourself in a little corner, because yes, girl, yes boy, you, yes you, are a complete idiot.  I don't care how intelligent you are.  You are an idiot and you will be so until your frontal lobes are fully connected.

It's not the fault of the teen.  It's not, really.  It's just nature, and the way we have evolved.  We go from sweet loving kids, into hormone raging, idiotic teens, then into logical thinking adults.  Well, many of us do.

So, getting back to the point of this post.  My original intent is to publicly apologize to my parents for having been a teenager.   Mom, Dad, please know that I love you with all my heart.  Please know that I would never do anything to hurt you.  I am past my idiotic stage, and now that I have a teen of my own, I understand a fraction of what you felt when I was a teen.  This of course being that I was 20 times worse than my lovely daughter.

I apologize for all the drunken nights, all the unprotected sex, all the unfinished projects, all the drugs and all the malice, pain, and suffering that I caused.  I now get to go through this, and hopefully not as strongly as you two did.  I appreciate you more than ever before.  Thank you for putting up with my idiotic, stupid teen age ass of a person that I was.  I love you.

1 Day - My Attempt To Quit

So I have quit smoking before.  It has mostly been easy, but every time I quit, it is a little more difficult each time.  I'm 37 years old.  I took up smoking one day in the garage of a friend of mine.  I recall the brand as well.  It was a Marlboro Red.  I don't recall who was the one that gave it to me.  I hold nothing against that person though.  I would have gotten from someone else if it was not from her, or him, although I am mostly sure that it was a female.  I am almost mostly sure that I was dating her at the time, and I am definitely sure that she is no longer part of my life.  Well, we'll always have that link, and I am far from grateful.

Approximately 17 years, and almost 20,000 cigarettes later, I sit here.  I feel like crap.  I cannot concentrate.  I feel short of breath even.  I am used to smoking 20 cigarettes per day, and I have not smoked one since 12:33 PM CDT yesterday around noon.  So it has been slightly over 24 hours since I took my last puff and I feel as if I am dying.

According to this android app I found, Quit Now!, I have not smoked in 1.07 days, I have saved $7.52, I have saved 2 hours and 6 minutes, my sudden risk of death has decreased by 100% just from quitting for a day, and my CO/O2 levels have reached normalcy once again.

I will tell you this, I feel FAR from normal!!! Every voice, every slight change of temperature annoys me at this point.  I almost broke down several times today.  Yes, I stepped outside where there were smokers, and I walked by them like a shark swimming in traces of blood.  I wanted to take a cig from them and just inhale that sweet smoke, but I just kept walking.  I walked inside where there are no lit cigs, and there is very little temptation.

See though, here's the trick.  My mind sees cigs as something soothing, however as I smoke them, they are far from soothing.  The nicotine masks that horrible smell, and it masks that burning you feel inside your lungs.  It masks a lot of other things as well.

I have been thinking too, so forgive me if this first blog post about quitting rambles on.  Oh yes, and I cannot guarantee I will remain smoke free, so I'm not trying to be some holier than though asswipe that just found smoke free jesus and is now trying to preach at you and how bad you are for smoking.

No, it is nothing like that.  I am just here to release my thoughts and if you care to read them, then you read them, if you don't like it, there's the X button on the top left, and bon voyage.  Okay, now for those who have stayed...

It has been a few weeks that I have been thinking, and mind you, I have not come up with this myself.  I don't recall where I heard it and it just seems like a dream in a haze at the moment.  My thoughts are not 100% clear, as if you have not yet figured that out yet...

I heard somewhere that when your addiction comes before your kids, before your family, before yourself, then it is really an addiction that needs to be dealt with.  Yes, I've tried a little of everything here and there and I even have a few drinks on the weekend.  I have a few with my wife on Friday nights, to just let go and have fun.  We do this because it IS fun, it helps me relax and let go of the week full of crap that I had to endure.  Come Saturday morning, I'm mostly fine, and I don't want anymore alcohol.  At least not until next Friday.

Cigs however, are a different story.  I ignore my kids, my wife, my life, my dog, and everything else just to get that fix.  I feel guilty, and I tell myself, it's just a few minutes, and I need some "ME" time.  That me time though keeps adding up.  My kids are growing up fast.  They have important things to tell me, and I just tell them to go back inside, that I will be there shortly.

I can't imagine what they are feeling at that moment of excitement to get shot down by a dad who has to finish that horrible cigarette first, because that white little rolled up piece of tobacco comes first, before they do.  Always.

I told you this was horrible.  It's depressing even, but it is helping me to keep from rationalizing a reason for me to get into that elevator, go into the basement of this building and purchase a $7 pack of cigs that will be smoked by 2:33 PM tomorrow afternoon.  Those cigs that will consume over an hour and a half of my next 24 hours.  Those cigs that will take time away from my children and my wife.

Like I said, it has only been a little over 24 Hours since I "quit".  I don't know how long it will last.  I don't know if this will be permanent.  I have escaped from this prison before, and I was out of it for an entire year at the longest.  How, and why did I come back to it? Ask that criminal why he keeps going back to prison.  I don't know if it is the same thing, but I do know that it is an addiction.

People how say that they can quit any time they want, but they don't because they enjoy it are full of shit.  I'll tell that that much.  I didn't know that, because I was full of shit.

If you are shaking your head right now, telling yourself that I'm full of it because you can quit any time you want, then you too, are full of shit.

Anyone can quit at any time they want.  That is not the point.  The point is quitting, and staying off the cigs forever.  We'll just see what happens in the next episode.  Will I give you an update tomorrow? I don't know, I guess you'll have to find out...


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