So I have quit smoking before. It has mostly been easy, but every time I quit, it is a little more difficult each time. I'm 37 years old. I took up smoking one day in the garage of a friend of mine. I recall the brand as well. It was a Marlboro Red. I don't recall who was the one that gave it to me. I hold nothing against that person though. I would have gotten from someone else if it was not from her, or him, although I am mostly sure that it was a female. I am almost mostly sure that I was dating her at the time, and I am definitely sure that she is no longer part of my life. Well, we'll always have that link, and I am far from grateful.
Approximately 17 years, and almost 20,000 cigarettes later, I sit here. I feel like crap. I cannot concentrate. I feel short of breath even. I am used to smoking 20 cigarettes per day, and I have not smoked one since 12:33 PM CDT yesterday around noon. So it has been slightly over 24 hours since I took my last puff and I feel as if I am dying.
According to this android app I found, Quit Now!, I have not smoked in 1.07 days, I have saved $7.52, I have saved 2 hours and 6 minutes, my sudden risk of death has decreased by 100% just from quitting for a day, and my CO/O2 levels have reached normalcy once again.
I will tell you this, I feel FAR from normal!!! Every voice, every slight change of temperature annoys me at this point. I almost broke down several times today. Yes, I stepped outside where there were smokers, and I walked by them like a shark swimming in traces of blood. I wanted to take a cig from them and just inhale that sweet smoke, but I just kept walking. I walked inside where there are no lit cigs, and there is very little temptation.
See though, here's the trick. My mind sees cigs as something soothing, however as I smoke them, they are far from soothing. The nicotine masks that horrible smell, and it masks that burning you feel inside your lungs. It masks a lot of other things as well.
I have been thinking too, so forgive me if this first blog post about quitting rambles on. Oh yes, and I cannot guarantee I will remain smoke free, so I'm not trying to be some holier than though asswipe that just found smoke free jesus and is now trying to preach at you and how bad you are for smoking.
No, it is nothing like that. I am just here to release my thoughts and if you care to read them, then you read them, if you don't like it, there's the X button on the top left, and bon voyage. Okay, now for those who have stayed...
It has been a few weeks that I have been thinking, and mind you, I have not come up with this myself. I don't recall where I heard it and it just seems like a dream in a haze at the moment. My thoughts are not 100% clear, as if you have not yet figured that out yet...
I heard somewhere that when your addiction comes before your kids, before your family, before yourself, then it is really an addiction that needs to be dealt with. Yes, I've tried a little of everything here and there and I even have a few drinks on the weekend. I have a few with my wife on Friday nights, to just let go and have fun. We do this because it IS fun, it helps me relax and let go of the week full of crap that I had to endure. Come Saturday morning, I'm mostly fine, and I don't want anymore alcohol. At least not until next Friday.
Cigs however, are a different story. I ignore my kids, my wife, my life, my dog, and everything else just to get that fix. I feel guilty, and I tell myself, it's just a few minutes, and I need some "ME" time. That me time though keeps adding up. My kids are growing up fast. They have important things to tell me, and I just tell them to go back inside, that I will be there shortly.
I can't imagine what they are feeling at that moment of excitement to get shot down by a dad who has to finish that horrible cigarette first, because that white little rolled up piece of tobacco comes first, before they do. Always.
I told you this was horrible. It's depressing even, but it is helping me to keep from rationalizing a reason for me to get into that elevator, go into the basement of this building and purchase a $7 pack of cigs that will be smoked by 2:33 PM tomorrow afternoon. Those cigs that will consume over an hour and a half of my next 24 hours. Those cigs that will take time away from my children and my wife.
Like I said, it has only been a little over 24 Hours since I "quit". I don't know how long it will last. I don't know if this will be permanent. I have escaped from this prison before, and I was out of it for an entire year at the longest. How, and why did I come back to it? Ask that criminal why he keeps going back to prison. I don't know if it is the same thing, but I do know that it is an addiction.
People how say that they can quit any time they want, but they don't because they enjoy it are full of shit. I'll tell that that much. I didn't know that, because I was full of shit.
If you are shaking your head right now, telling yourself that I'm full of it because you can quit any time you want, then you too, are full of shit.
Anyone can quit at any time they want. That is not the point. The point is quitting, and staying off the cigs forever. We'll just see what happens in the next episode. Will I give you an update tomorrow? I don't know, I guess you'll have to find out...
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